Restoring my soul.

To all my readers (that is all 4 of you)

Sometimes life takes a turn, an unexpected turn, it may be caused by experience, by a person, by an opportunity; it may even be due to illness or death of a loved one.

I have come to the slow (40 years worth) conclusion that I have not been living true to myself, to my purpose. I am a mum to three of the most gorgeous children ever (exasperating yes, but still gorgeous). Married, tied to, attached to a man that I love (sometimes, except when he doesn’t take out the rubbish, or mow the lawn). Yet I find myself wanting, yearning, praying for something else, something additional.

What? You might ask me, “you have the dream, the house, the husband, the kids, even the dog. What more could there be?” I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately too, questioning, second guessing, fighting with myself. Why isn’t it easy to be content? Why can’t I just settle for what I have?

You may ask “why are you asking these questions now?” I was offered an opportunity to do something BIG!! Something potentially life changing. Something that would ‘mean’ something not only to me but the Country. I turned it down. Not because of fear or because I didn’t have the skill set to accomplish the goals, but because of my family, because of other peoples doubts and fears. I allowed other people to get in my head and fuel my self doubt with their own negativity and phobias. Now I regret that decision, I wish I had the guts to say “hang it all” I’m going for it!

Now I have to live with that decision, because this opportunity will not happen again, or it may but in 10 years time, when someone younger than me will be the better choice.

I don’t know how to reconcile myself with my decision, I am coming up short on the acceptance scale. I am mad at myself, at my husband, at others for doubting me. What type of example did I just set for my daughter or my sons for that matter? Definitely not a good example that is for sure.

If anyone out there reading this knows a solution please add your comments below.

Lisa