Restoring my soul.

Well it’s the second week of April 2015 already and this is my first post of the year. I know, very slack of me really. What have I been doing? you ask. I have been busy studying and running my household as well as working.

I am also recovering from Post traumatic Stress Disorder, which makes daily life a challenge. I have great days and ordinary days and then I have days where getting out of bed is a struggle to rival all struggles. PTSD is an invisible disorder, and one that is difficult to describe to non-sufferers. People feel like they are “helping” by offering advice or suggestions on how to “get over it” or “feel better”. What they don’t understand however is that “recovery” is a long slow and often repetitive process, which requires perseverance and guts and a certain level of tenacity that can often be found in cranky bulldog puppies.

The feeling of sitting underwater, not hearing and not seeing the surroundings whilst appearing to an outsider as being present is a skill I have developed. I do a lot of nodding and ah ahaing whilst actually not actively participating in the conversation at all. My continuing struggle with PTSD has caused issues at work and at home and I must always check myself before speaking out of turn or jumping to conclusions as hoc and without provocation.

I have moments of uncertainty where my heart says “go for it” but my head says “hang on a minute”, I constantly second guess myself or question the motives of others. I am far less trusting than I used to be and sometimes the darkness of night creeps into my brain and suffocates every good thought I had there until it is snuffed out completely, never to be thought of again. I force myself to function and carry out my normal duties wearing a face of “I have this altogether”noone who is an acquaintance would guess the war that is going on in my brain and my soul.

The constant tug of war between will and reality, trying to be all that I can be to everyone and not let anyone down or make them see my suffering is a constant battle and an exhausting one, hence the days I go back to bed after the kids have gone to school and read or sleep until an hour before I have to pick them up. I haven’t dropped the ball yet, but this juggling act is getting considerably more and more difficult the more I resist the temptation to Stop, Drop and Roll.