Restoring my soul.

No matter where I’ve been in my life, no matter what my “job” has been, I have always known somewhere deep and burning (kind a like a UTI lol) inside that I would write.  Not only write but write for right, write for justice.
I was never sure how exactly that would be accomplished.  The journey so far has been bumpy and rollercoaster-ish.  There have been challenges and challengers.  Many detractors and many people who didn’t or couldn’t have faith in me. Who didn’t see ME, who would not see ME, only the me they wanted to see.
I allowed these people – all well meaning, all caring for me, all worried for me, all scared for me; I allowed those people to define who I should be so that I would make them feel comfortable.

I was so worried all my life about fitting in, about making people like me.  Always wanted to fit in and be accepted.  I perfected the art of being a chameleon – I can adapt to any situation in a heart beat, change an opinion, change an idea, in the same time it would take me to change a t-shirt to a blouse.  Fear held me back from seeing the truth of “who” I am.  I allowed fear to keep me down.

The question always was “who am I”… who am I to write, who am I to succeed, who am I to want more than I already have?  I am a woman of 40 plus years on this earth, 40 years of people pleasing, 40 years of feeling less than, 40 years of making excuses for myself.

Before I turn 50 I plan on letting people know who I really am.  No longer will putting myself down to fit in be my focus.  Fear will always be there, fear will always show up in moments of doubt. My new idea will be feel the fear, embrace the fear and use THAT energy to propel myself forward into the great beyond and unknown.

I have done that by starting a new business venture, going to university for the first time in my 40’s, meeting new people, beginning a journey of self discovery which is the scariest journey I have ever begun.  I travelled overseas with my 12 year old daughter for the first time ever – talk about outside a comfort zone. (I will tell that story another time.)

I am willing to feel the fear and propel myself forward to the woman, the mother, the wife that I was always meant to be.

Namaste