Restoring my soul.

the above picture was taken when I was nineteen or twenty,  I was at the beginning of new adventures, trying new things and “finding myself”, (still on that particular journey 26 years later).

It got me thinking about where I belong, what turns my life has taken to get me to the point it’s at today.  Since this photo I’ve had a break up, moved cities, met a new guy, got married and had three amazing children that I am so very proud of and at the same time they make my brain explode and challenge me in ways I could never have dreamed of.

I’ve had too many “jobs” and no real “career”  I gave that idea up when the husband and kids came along.  the other thoughts going through my mind when I look at this picture is how young I actually looked at the time.  My memory doesn’t allow that true reflection. I was young and naive and believed everything everyone and their dog told me about myself.

I’ve spent the past ten years trying to rid myself of those teachings and build a new persona and a new belief system about myself. Yet every now and again the self doubt, the disbelief in my abilities raises it’s ugly head and I stop, frozen in time, unable to function or move in any direction.  At these times I find that I sink myself in Tedx Talks about motivation or self esteem or finding the right “job” even ones about marriage and how it “should” be.

So during my last sojourn into the world of Ted I thought to myself I want to do that.  I want to present a Ted talk. Now don’t ask me what it would be about, I haven’t got that far yet.  I know I want to do it, so I joined Tedx in Melbourne – yes I did- I got an invite to go sit and watch for a day of other talks on Urban development (it seems Melbourne people really like to talk about urban sprawl).  So what did I do? Well you might think at the ripe old age of 40 something I wouldn’t need to wait for permission to spend a whole day in the city.  That I would just say Yes I will be there.  Well, you would be wrong, I allowed self doubt and the horrid hand of procrastination rob me of my opportunity at this time.  Of course there will be other invites, other talks, other seminars, but this was the first and I allowed it to slip.

My new discovery journey is to find out the “why”, why do I allow myself to sabotage my dreams.  No one else really does it, sure comments are made and off the cuff observations about my ability or lack thereof but when it comes down to it, it is “I” that is standing in my way.  I need to rediscover the fearless girl in this picture, rediscover her power and her ingenuity and her self belief. I don’t know how quite yet, but I’m sure there is a Ted Talk that will help me find my way.