Restoring my soul.

I am sitting here at another crossroad, trying to decide which way to go.  My job is going nowhere, (I’m not supposed to mention my marriage but let’s say it’s in a dark place.) My kids are growing up and moving on (not out mind you) they have all the adventures of life ahead of them and I sit lamenting decisions not made, challenges not taken and roads never traveled all because I had fear; fear of the unknown; fear of succeeding; fear of actually proving to myself I was enough.

Fear has held me back and is holding me back from so much achievement.  I am sure the grass is greener on the other side of the fence or maybe it’s just a different variety to the one I’m growing in my yard.  I’m bored and lonely and destitute of emotion.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to beg for the right to my existence and ask permission for every little thing I have.

I’m angry that I chase the world and no one/thing turns around to chase me.  I’m alone and lonely in this darkness that threatens to swallow me whole.  Fear and shame and anger and jealousy consume me like lions consume a carcass on the African plains. Flesh torn from bone as piece by piece my dignity is shredded between teeth of apathy and anguish. Jaws of diamonds crush bone like glass and shatter my self worth into shards so sharp they open arteries that bleed sorrow and pain.

I want to feel again, I want to feel love, I’m tired of hate and anger controlling my world.  I want someone to love me, to see me, to feel me; the real me, not the me they want me to be.  I want to feel like I am worth my existence, that the black cloud hanging over my head threatening to pour rain down in torrents will break apart and blue sky and sunshine will take its place again.

Right now I feel like i should apologise to you dear reader if this is dark and sad and makes you feel something, anything, but I can’t because this is my truth now – darkness is my comforter and too much light will show my shadowed self to the world. This is no cry for help it is a shedding of my old self, a cathartic scream from the depths of my soul to rid my psyche of pain and abandonment.  An acceptance of how my world is but not how it will be forever.

Namaste