There is a problem with bullies in our schools that seems to be unsolvable. The result of this inaction and unpreparedness to act against bullies is our young children are committing suicide or attempting suicide at an alarming rate.  One death due to bullying is too many.

What is bullying?

Bullying: repeated attacks on a person (verbal, physical, social or psychological) which cause distress at the time and also cause distress because of the possibility of future attacks.  (for further in depth statistics and definitions check out Mindframe here.)

“How common is bullying amongst students in schools?

Australian research suggests that up to one in four students has experienced some level of bullying face-to-face and one in five has experienced bullying online.

Researchers have made different findings about how common bullying is, largely due to differences in how they measure ‘bullying’. It is important to remember, most young people do not engage in bullying behaviour.” (more info here)

What can you do about it? The Education Department says it is up to individual schools to act on policies set to stamp out anti-social behaviour in the student body, as such absolving themselves of any responsibility.

Our schools implement policies around mediation and counselling for the bully and the victim. Some schools have zero tolerance policies that not only banish the bully but they also blame the victim in a way to excuse the behaviour of the bully.  Questions such as “what did you do to contribute?” “why didn’t you walk away?” only add to the protection of these violent children with poor communication skills and a lack of empathy.  The get tough approach has been thrown out in favour of a more softly softly, understanding approach toward the perpetrator.  The excuse of “they are children” “they are immature” “they don’t have the skills to understand what they are doing is causing harm.”  Are the catch cries of defenders of bullies country wide.

It appears that the language around bullying has entered the “blame the victim” conversation that surrounds other violent crimes and assault.  Well who is to blame for bullying?  Who is to blame if a victim of bullying tragically takes their own life?  Who is held accountable?  The short answer in most cases is no one is held accountable, there are rarely charges laid unless there is physical violence and then that only happens in the even that the victim is emotionally stable enough to stand before a court and face their attacker with the knowledge that there may be no custodial sentence handed down.

Parents there are things we can do to help our child if they are the victim of bullying. Keep an open dialogue with your child, never dismiss their claims or turn the blame on them.  Allow them to speak freely without fear of ramifications or censorship.  Take their concerns seriously and report them to the school to make them aware to keep vigilant.

If the school is ineffective in dealing with the bully you may seek legal advice, report any physical violence (including pushing, shoving, spitting, slapping etc) to the police.  Also report any cyber bullying to the police as this will help make a case if the bullying does not stop.

The more confronting situation is to find out that your child is the bully, is the one causing harm to another child.  What can you do to help your child?

“It’s important for parents to think about how their behaviors might influence their kids—the way they speak to their children, the way they speak to their spouses, the way they handle anger—and to be realistic about whether or not this might be something that’s been modeled for the child,” says Dr. Kristin Carothers, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

Openly communicate with your child, find out their reason as to why they bully. They may have low self esteem, they may be seeking notoriety or fame, they may be lacking in social skills and not understand the result of their actions.

There must be consequences that are age appropriate, the revocation of privileges and in older children/teens some form of community service.  They must be made to apologise to their victim/s within a week of the incident if not immediately.  Check out other resources here.

Bullying is insidious and seemingly unavoidable part of school life for most kids, as parents we need to arm our kids with internal defenses to ward off the hurtful comments from effecting their long term mental health.  We also need to help build kids self esteem and emotional intelligence in the hope of reducing and removing this threat from our schools and social situations.