Forgive or forget?

(You will need your journal or a notepad for this post if you have something to work through).In the case of childhood trauma/assault/abuse, or domestic violence, I advise that you seek further counselling from a trained professional in these areas. Use the journalling as a way of purging the thoughts.

Forgiveness. It is such a small word with great meaning and even greater impact. What does the word conjure up for you? How does it feel to need to forgive someone? Does forgiving really mean forgetting the thing that was done?

I saw a meme the other day that said the “F in Forgiveness is for Freedom.” What did it mean? The teaching around forgiveness for a long while (well at least when I was a kid) made it about the other person. Someone wronged you, you need to forgive and move on and pretend like nothing happened. The more modern teaching says that forgiveness is for yourself, so you can be at peace.

It has nothing to do with the other person, you don’t even have to tell them that they are forgiven (although sometimes that is appropriate). Forgiveness is more about helping you to move on from the pain that was caused. If a not so nice thing was done to you out of spite, forgive, don’t forget but learn instead from the experience. Ask yourself what lesson can I learn from this? Is it a lesson in ego or pride? ( I know I get those a few times a year).

When someone has hurt us and does not apologise or try to make amends we can sometimes get stuck in the “it’s not fair” roller coaster. We can ask ourselves “why me”, we can blame ourselves and make excuses for the other person. When we realise that we have zero control over another person’s actions or reactions and accept that we only control our own actions and reactions, that is when forgiveness of them and ourselves can happen. When we own the fact that our thoughts create our emotions, we can use them to find healing. This is where writing our thoughts out can help. (this is also where you need to find your journal).

Is there a moment in your life where someone has caused you great hurt that you are still carrying around with you subconsciously? A memory of an emotion that is stopping you from moving on? it is time to change your thought pattern around this moment. Stop telling yourself “they did this to me…” start using your “I feel/felt” statements and take time to consider all scenarios of why they said or did what they did. Maybe they were ill, or having a bad day, or there was a misunderstanding. Ask yourself if they woke up that morning with the pure intent of hurting you that day. Write it all down, unpack it thoroughly and write out the feeling words surrounding that event.

What if it is you that has hurt someone? Yes you may need to ask for forgiveness after a time of healing or immediately in the case of a heat of the moment argument. How does that feel for you? Think back to a time in your life where you know you hurt someone, but you have not either asked for forgiveness or have forgiven yourself for it. Write in your journal about that time and then add to the end

“I forgive my past self for this hurt. I have learned from this lesson….(add your thing) . The healing will begin now.”

You are a beautiful soul that has been tested, it is time to heal and move on from past mistakes as long as you have learned something from them.