Restoring my soul.

The past few weeks have seen challenges thrown at me from every corner, personal and work related.

I could feel the pressure building in my body. Did I listen? No. I kept telling myself it would be better tomorrow.  Only it wasn’t. There was always something else coming around the corner.

My body began shouting at me. STOP! Breathe. Did I stop and breathe?  No. I wasn’t going to give into “them”. I wasn’t going to believe that I was not coping.  Who is “them”? I hear you ask.  The inner voices, the Neanderthal voices that have been programmed into the deepest biological recesses of the brain. The voices that long ago were developed to keep us safe from Saber Tooth tigers and Mammoth’s stampeding.  Who were they to tell me to stop?

Weeks of this up and down went on. My body shouted louder; indigestion, headaches, muscle aches, I twisted my ankle, insomnia, the loneliness birds set up a nest in my head. Alone in the darkness I began spiralling, the control I had tried so hard to maintain slipped out of my fingers like silk cloth on silk cloth.  I had no where to turn, no one to turn to.  How could I admit that the person everyone else in my life depended on was now out of control and needed help?  Afterall there are so many others worse off, right?

Two meltdowns at work pulled me up short.  I was a crying, snot filled mess.  Everything put tears in my eyes and my heart beat faster and my world spun out of control.  I am grateful for the younger ears that listened and heard me on those occasions.  They set me upright again to continue moving forward with the day.

You are probably waiting here for the up side to this very common story.  So far, I can say that today at 7.30am I am having a good day.  Even in remembering and writing this piece I feel OK.  I began reading again, the library has become my sanctuary, when the world is falling apart around my feet.  I have adopted the “one minute at a time” rule of AA and other 12 step programs.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with meditation and mindfulness, so I began again with my practice.  I have my first swim session booked for a few days time. (Do I swim? I really don’t know.)  New challenges, I hope that will keep my mind more focused on brighter things.

The world outside me is still out of my control, things keep happening that hurt and confuse me.  Although right now, in this moment I feel capable of coping with the universe’s sewer being thrown in my face. Who knows what this day will bring, so I hope there is a rainbow thrown in there somewhere for me to follow.

“If you or someone you know is struggling and needs someone please call Lifeline on   131114”.