Restoring my soul.

The world around me ceased to exist the day my Dad passed away, earlier this year in March. Oh I managed to function at a basic level, I got out of bed, showered and ate; eventually I even managed to engage with other people and go out of the house on a semi regular basis. The losses kept coming one after another, family members that I was close to, people I loved and had cared about. Grief compounded on grief, loss on top of loss. How was I ever going to survive, to go on living and functioning in the real world on a deep level? Would I ever find peace again? Would the brick wall in my chest where my heart used to be ever go away. When would I breathe again? I had no answers, I have limited answers still. I did know I had to keep moving even though I didn’t feel like moving or I would atrophy and never move again.

I buried all the tears, the anger, the unreality of my world. I buried the anguish and the hurt and put a smile on my face and built a mask. Heaven forbid I subjected anyone else to my pain…especially those who were feeling the loss as well. Of course the burying and the masking is not healthy and it eventually shows itself in unhelpful ways. I became withdrawn, snappy, I lost patience with everyone and everything around me. I couldn’t remember tasks or why I was even in the space I had taken myself too. Why was I even existing?

The guilt of living my life stopped me in my tracks, if I smiled or found laughter and joy in a situation I felt ashamed of expressing it because I “should” be in a dark place, shouldn’t I? The pressure I put on myself to be the “strong” one, the one that will carry on regardless was enormous and the weight on my shoulders became unbearable. All the past work I had done on self compassion, on forgiveness, on resilience had flown out the window. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. All I saw was problem after problem and disappointment plaguing me.

I wanted to forget, to pretend I was OK. I wanted the world to go back to “normal” and for things to get easier. That didn’t happen and every day is a challenge. My faith, once a stronghold had left me, I couldn’t pray, I couldn’t give thanks (of course what did I have to be thankful for?) The depths of despair had dragged me into the pit of darkness. My relationship with my husband became strained and distant. I stopped calling friends or accepting invitations to lunch or coffee. There was no ‘normal” anymore, I had no words for conversation and no energy to take on anyone else’s struggles or even the ability to celebrate other’s joys was lost to me. I was like Jesus in the desert for 40 days, no sustenance, wondering why I had been forsaken and without any hope of rescue. I had to walk through the valley of the shadow of death except I WAS feeling lost and alone and unsupported. I had no stake or rod to help me stand and walk. I was distanced from God, why had he forsaken me? Of course I knew the answer He had not forsaken me, I had had lost sight of Him and he was waiting for me to be open to finding Him. The prodigal daughter returneth to the home of my Father in heaven, would be my next chapter.

So what changed this week? Yes, another funeral – that of my Aunt’s mother, a beautiful and kind woman that was like a bonus grandma to me all my life. The funeral was held Intersate I logged in to a live stream of the church service from home. Which was a blessing really, I allowed myself the opportunity to release my grief, I cried for three hours, tears streamed down my face like a waterfall of sadness leaving my body. I opened my heart to prayer and I began to feel lighter, less burdened and more compassionate towards myself. It was the first day I truly felt a freeing of the mind and an unleashing of the grief.

By no means does any of that mean I am over the grief, I am a long way away from that. I remember my dad in the small things, usually in Bunnings of all places in the garden centre, I will see something and think “I need to tell Dad”, remembering that he isn’t here to take my call. Every time I talk to my Mum I am reminded of his departure and my compassion extends to this woman who had lost her partner of 52 years, alone for the first time in her life having to navigate the new world without her husband and the change of perspective comes and settles amongst the grief and clears it from my mind.

So my new habit is to wake every morning thinking of how to be kind to myself and by taking each day one step at a time and allowing myself to acknowledge the sad times but not dwelling there for extended periods of time. I am also taking time to pray a little too or meditate, as a time of reflection and introspection, it brings my mind to stillness so I can hear my souls voice and enjoy peace.

Namaste.