Restoring my soul.

Quite often people think that recovery comes first in the line to true healing. When it is actually the last thing we do. It is the grand finale, the dream, the route to wholeness. How do we know when we have recovered though? The truth is I haven’t reached this stage yet in my journey with cPTSD. So all I know is anecdotal evidence from other people who have made it through the other side.

One thing for sure is life is different, things change, your outlook on particular situations change. Perhaps, or so I have heard, the anxiety levels decrease or disappear when trying new things. Decision making is retrospectively easier and the ability to complete tasks in one sitting is more prevalent.

What I think (hope) will happen – for me anyway- is that my memory blocks will shrink, I will be able to hold a sentence together in my head and complete small tasks. Currently to write one of my blog posts it can take a full day or even a week, if my anxiety is high. I would love to be able to produce and post in an hour or less. My brain no longer functions in hour long blocks, I am lucky to get minutes of straight thought.

Perhaps sleeping will be more restful and not something that brings dread. The not knowing if there is a night terror ahead of me or a night of tossing and turning is anxiety inducing. I am aware that on days where there has been tension or stress, a night terror is most likely. I do have medication to help with these, however the side effects are debilitating for at least the next 24 hours, so I take them sparingly.

There is hope that I will no longer fall asleep during yoga Savasana or deep meditation. That daily tasks will become easier and my motivation to get things done out of sheer will and grit will return. Exercise will be less of a mental chore and I will finally understand the enjoyment in exercise that other people experience.

Serotonin and Dopamine levels will increase and I will feel true joy and happiness again. Rather than feeling numb all the time or bracing myself for BIG emotions in small situations. There are people in my life that think my ability to be calm in big situations is a super power, I am here to say I stay calm because I am numb, it takes so long to process appropriate reactions, that I don’t react immediately.

Weird kind of effect of how PTSD effects me, when sometimes a seemingly innocuous situation will send me off kilter. A fork not put in the right spot in the drawer or socks on the floor has the ability to send me on a 3 day spiral. Yet major events I can be as cool as a cucumber.

Perhaps this is all fantasy, perhaps true recovery is intangible? Perhaps to be recovered is accepting a different way of being and a different way of living? Perhaps it is creating new safe spaces and developing new safe friendships and culling those that no longer serve in a positive way?

If you have any ideas or tips, or have recovered from what ails you please let me know in the comments.