Restoring my soul.

Yesterday was R U Ok day- an initiative from Beyond Blue to highlight mental illness and depression.

No one asked me if I was OK -maybe I give off this persona that I have it all together and can tackle any problem?  Maybe I’m always busy helping others with their problems that they don’t think I have any.

Well I wish someone had asked me so I could say this.

Some days I am OK, other days I just want to hide in bed under the doona and hide from the world.  I force myself to do things for other people just to feel useful, to feel like I’m not nothing.  To feel like I am important to people.

I make myself busy so I don’t have to look at myself and see what a misery I am.  I have a 13 year old son who refuses to go to school, with every solution to his excuses we come up with he finds another one.  I have removed electronics – I am physically unable to remove his phone from his hand or his person where he keeps it at all times.  I have stopped paying his prepaid bill but he can get on wi-fi anywhere.

Yes I’m married, my husband is a hard worker and is tired after a day at work, so I carry the load at home.

There are alot of people in my life, some I call friend, some are acquaintances or colleagues.  There isn’t anyone who truly understands me, they know little bits about me and the rest is their perception of how they believe I am.

so if you had of asked me yesterday – I would have said yes I’m OK and I would have said it with a smile.  But today I’m not doing OK and today I need to be on my game.  So I will suck it up and move through it.

If anyone has an answer for my son that comes without judgement than I’m all hears.  A real solution would be great.