Restoring my soul.

I’ve been struggling with choices lately, previous choices made and choices yet to come about.  Many of my readers would know that I joined a Direct Selling Company back in 2015 called “the chefs toolbox”.  I thought that this would be a great little business, I could make my own hours, set my own goals and get a nice little income.  Well, I was right for the first few months, family and friends held parties and bought from my catalogues, they were wonderfully supportive.  Then the lifelines dried up, not quite to drought levels but they got fewer and further between.  I found myself traveling 600km away from home to hold parties just to keep my membership current and fulfill  my obligations to the parent company.I joined chefs toolbox because I liked the lady that presented my party and I liked the sound of the business.  I continually feel like I cannot live up to their standards – in spite of the high level of support I receive and encouragement.  I am finding that perhaps Direct Selling is not my thing after all.

This year I joined a group online Female Entrepreneurs Association and I bought the book “She Means Business” by Carrie Green, founder of the Female Entrepreneur association.  The book challenged me to set my goals, to find what it is that I really want to do with my life and in my business choices.  I needed to write a mission statement for my business but also for my life.  I found this very difficult to do, because for many years I have put other people’s dreams and needs before my own.  I was always playing into what other people thought I should do, or thought I would be good at.  I had never really, seriously, sat down and looked at what it was that I wanted to do, what really suited MY life story.

This is not the only “self help” pathway I have gone down, Terry Hawkins, Why Wait To be Great! book is on my shelf as well.  I watch @Lisa Nichols ( http://bit.ly/2mxY3KF ) videos on youtube and Simon Sinek  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4ZoJKF_VuA along with Tony Robbins and Deepak Chopra.  They all speak to me in different ways and I’m terribly inspired by their passion, I am just very unsure of how to actually USE their stuff in my life.

My friends are into health and fitness, so I thought I needed to be into that stuff too.  I tried Yoga and I liked it enough, I  knew enough about myself to know that Crossfit was not for me, ever.  I love red meat so I know I could never be vegetarian plus legumes make me gassy.   I tried the gym but crowds of sweaty, grunting people just made me gag.  I tried walking on my own and with a friend, only to find I was so bored after the first kilometre.  Jogging saved me for a while but then my knees gave out. Being healthy is important, but killing myself to be healthy sort of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

So what is my “thing”, what is the Universe trying to tell me?  Am I destined to be a part time worker in a shop (which is quietly and stealthily stealing my soul) and a mum and wife (which is greatly difficult and rewarding at the same time)?  Should I just stop trying to be anything else?  Or is there another option?  Is there some other thing out there that I should be pursuing? Maybe I could stop saying “Should” and start using “could” – I could if I wanted to.

I thought writing was my thing, well I like to blog and I am certainly opinionated, but the question remains “who is reading” “who is listening?”  Maybe I am meant to be “helping” people?  Helping to do what, I don’t know, be better, find themselves, give them hope, encouragement, support?  I couldn’t tell you.  There are some men in my life that if they have read to this point would tell me to stop whinging and get on with it. However I’m not sure what it is that I’m meant to be getting on with though?

I am a woman on a journey that has led me down many pathways and I am still lost in the woods standing at the fork in the road wondering which way to turn.